autumleaph's Xanga

Monday, July 19, 2004

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 06:41:34 GMT

Funny how when you have everything somone else wants - they're not happy for you, they just try to knock you down.

sad, sad, sad...

Monday, March 01, 2004

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 12:41:04 GMT

just as a note to all of you:

please remember, as soo many seem to think so, that I am a selfish, self-centered, righteous psyhcotic.

just warning you, because, since i just found out, i thought i should let you all know.

have a nice day.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 13:26:58 GMT

if you only knew....

Monday, February 02, 2004

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 21:17:27 GMT

ok, I HAVE to mention this...

Matt is officially the most wonderful man in the entire world. Sunday he offered, compeletely of his own volition to make me breakfast in bed! yes... yes....

and then today he went and bought my books for me, since I had to work til 5!!

*sigh*

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 14:02:08 GMT

walls & trenches

I’m sitting here, thinking about everyone else’s posts and what I feel I need to say. Not so much about their posts but about my life, and how it’s interesting that even here in xanga we’re all on similar wavelengths.

I feel caught and trapped and not sure where to go with it all. You see, I’m in this tricky little spot I’ve gotten myself into, and I don’t particularly want to get out of. I’m where I want to be, and I don’t want to leave, but I’m tempted to run, mainly because that might protect me from being left behind.

I’ve learned some lessons in my short life (I’m only 22, still young enough to know I’ve got a lot of learning to do, but old enough to not be stupid). I’ve learned that people love you and leave you. That people die, they run away and they just can’t make it work sometimes. I’ve learned that sometimes it really is “something I’m going through.” Sometimes it really is “me, not you.” I’ve learned that love’s not enough. There has to be more then love, but that you’ve got nothing without it. I’ve learned that sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try, how hard you work, that things just might not work out – but that you have to work as if it’s not even a possibility.

I’ve learned that death is a sweet release and a painful rupture to the fabric of life. I’ve seen so much pain and hurt, and somehow I still wake up in the mornings. I’ve learned that life’s not worth living if you don’t even try to smile. I’ve learned that behind most of well-adjusted scarred people is someone who is scared of needing, caring and wanting someone else in their lives. We’re all frightened we’ll lose them. Death and loss come all to easily in our little world.

I’ve learned I am loveable even though so many people haven’t been able to love me. I’ve learned how to love, even when the I know the person I love isn’t who I need. I’ve learned that being afraid doesn’t mean backing off or having to hide.

You see, I learned, once upon a time, how to build these walls. I took a brick at a time and built these beautiful structures that allowed me to sneak out once and a while and take a peak at the world around me, and never really involve myself in it. I learned how to let people look in, without really letting them in. This way I could let people care about me, and take their warmth, but I wouldn’t get hurt when they left. I could let them go without another look, without all the pain involved with losing someone you love.

They’re very nice bricks. They’re this gray stone color, all about the size of a regular brick. Many of them are mortared together, and make nice little places to hide behind. They make me look strong. They make me think I’m safe. They make me look like I’m big and proud. They shield the fact I’m small and fragile, that I don’t really know how to let other people in behind them. The hide that fact I’m convinced that behind these walls is a country so scarred by the past strip mining that no one is going to want to vacation here, let alone move in.

The funny thing is how they’re laid out. You see there’s no happy building, no castle of strength. There’s just walls. There is a house in the middle, and it’s a big one. But outside there’s just random walls, some connected, some not, some just behind others. They got built as defenses were breached. One by one, when someone snuck in a new way to hurt me, the walls got built. Sometimes these walls get in the way of other, kinder people trying to get in.

Around this central house is a trench, about 5 feet deep and about 3 feet wide. It goes all the way around, and doesn’t really add to the landscaping. There is a well kempt yard behind the trench. Lush greenery, some nice boxwood bushes, some nice flower beds. If you’re standing inside the trench it looks really nice; if you ignore the random walls out past the trench.

Now this why I feel kind of trapped: I’ve let someone get to the trench. I’ve been ripping walls out and resisting the temptation to build other ones. Only a couple other people have made it in. My Ashlen got in, I think only because she came in really slow. See, this person has managed to make it to this trench in record time. And it’s making me nervous. I think part of why they got this far, this fast, is because they were vouched for. People who are standing around here, have said it’s ok to let them in. Everyone’s been so welcoming and ok with everything. In a way that’s making me nervous too. Part of it is because other people have broken down walls that they would have had to work past, but since they’re gone now, it’s not an issue.

I can see them, standing over there, looking over the trench at my nice well kempt yard and there’s a glint of interest in their eyes. They’re intrigued. What kind of flowers are those? How cool is it in the shade of those trees over there? What is in that house on the hill? They see the shadows dancing in the windows and they want to see what’s in those rooms. They have this urge to explore those hallways and see what beauty might be in there. I see their interest in having a picnic lunch under those shade trees, and going for long walks on sunny afternoons.

The more dangerous part is – I see myself wanting to let them in. I want those long walks, and cool summer afternoons. I want a life full of the passions and joys that I hear promised on the wind. I want to go sit with them on the porch and sip wine while we watch the sun go down. I want to go run in the fields on a spring afternoon and touch the growing life there. I want to go with them to listen to the music played on gentle instruments of life and death, and relax in the beauty of it. I want to struggle next to them, I want to hold their hand as they cry and I want to be the one to give them a hug when they rejoice. I want to be able to go play in the snow, or the fallen leaves and have them want to be with me. And I believe they will.

I’m not afraid of letting them in. That makes me very nervous.

What if it’s a grand let down? Maybe the intrigue is just that, and there’s nothing grand and beautiful behind those shadows. What if there’s no wonderful music, no amazing summer nights? What if it’s all a pipe dream?? I just don’t think it is.

I’ve seen other people living the dream. It takes work. I’m not afraid of work. I don’t think they are either. People say that when it’s right you know. I thought I knew before, with someone else, but I didn’t really let them in and they really didn’t want to come in. This isn’t like that. I want to let them in. They seem to want in. I think the time is right. I think I know. I think this might be what I've been hoping for. It might not be, I know that. Everyday they've been getting closer and the sun's been shining brighter. I see them just at the otherside of the trench now, looking over, looking curious. I want to let them in.

Do I dare to dream this dream? Do I dare to hope that perhaps the time could be right to let someone else inside these walls and trenches??

Monday, December 22, 2003

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 17:34:31 GMT

Friday, December 12, 2003

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 15:48:10 GMT

Tall and slender, rather pretty... I was fascinated with her pride, the strength of her personality stamped on those pretty features. I could see strength in her eyes, and beauty of compassion in her smile. It was amazing how her look could go from sweet and loving, to mischievous and daring - it had a lot to do with that gleam in her eye I think.

I remember thinking, "damn, I’m going to like her."

It was one of those mornings when you really see yourself in the mirror.

For a moment, I saw the beautiful woman that others see.

I was standing there, calmly applying mascara, when I realized that woman in the mirror was me. It's interesting how you don't realize how much you've grown up sometimes. I’ve heard all these words before. I've always been told you're pretty, cute, beautiful, etc.. I've always rolled my eyes. I'll except pretty. Matt's right when he said I’m not cute, but pretty. Chris said I had simple beauty. I've never thought I was gorgeous...

and yet last night, sitting there, with him barely whispering "You're beautiful." I believed it... and now this morning, looking at the woman in the mirror, I still believed. Matt, I think I see it now. Though how any woman could argue when a man who looks at her like that, and then tells her she's beautiful is beyond me.

* * * * *

On a similar note, this morning I looked in the mirror and saw a woman. Some how the girl I was has grown up. I actually looked at myself and saw the woman I am becoming. I don’t know if anyone else does this but I imagine they do. When I was younger I’d look in the mirror and imagine the woman I’d be when I was older – the way I’d look, the way my skin would lay in the corners of my eyes, my coloring, my cheekbones, things like this. But this morning, when I looked at myself, I saw much more of the woman I’ve been growing up to be then the girl who was growing up.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Sat, 29 Nov 2003 13:31:23 GMT

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Thu, 27 Nov 2003 22:13:26 GMT

I’m thankful…

… for my wonderful family. Who will drive me insane some days, but it’s ok.

... for my fabulous friends. How did I get so lucky to have great friends who are so understanding and supportive? I love you guys!!

… for my job, that takes good care of me and keeps a roof on my back.

… for Chris, who is one of the most wonderful men in the world, and I wish I could be the one for.

… for the way things worked out. It could have been so much worse.

… for HWC

… for him who’s making me remember what it feels like to feel like I’ve found someone who knows my thoughts even though I haven’t said a word, who can make me smile just by a thought or a glance, who can make me feel calm and safe, or hot and bothered.

… for Ash, my beloved girl. What would I have ever done without you in the past year? You are truly the most wonderful woman in the world – aside from me.

… for the opptomism that I’ve been blessed with.

… for the sun coming up day after day, for the season turning and the world moving on and on.

… for the fact that life is always changing.

… for broken dreams and sad memories.

… for chocolate chip cookie ice cream and cookies and cream.

… for coffee and tea.

… for you for reading this…

... and I’m most thankful for every breath, every kiss and every smile. I’m a lucky lucky woman to have those things.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Tue, 25 Nov 2003 00:09:48 GMT

Quote of the day:

"you are so completely awesome i just dont have the words to express it..."

Now that's the way to make a girl smile.